I Just Can’t Win Part 5

You can catch up on the previous parts HERE.

I leave without anyone to comfort me, which is fine, because I really don’t need to be so weak in front of people. I leave the building and call my sister because I am just so overturned by how awful I did. I walk out and call my sister, literally in tears, it is not something I like to do in public so I found a secluded spot and cried while talking to her. My sister, bless her heart, is a wonderful sister who has helped me through thick and thin and has always encouraged me.

I am standing outside for practically thirty minutes crying to her and wondering if M-Prof, who mentors me, will regret choosing me as the person design the show. I am upset and questioning everything…even being a theatre major. The presentations we have to do every semester are just so stressful and make me feel so nervous and I just always break down this time of year at the end of the semester.

I go sit down in the lobby of the building beside my theatre building and wait for the seniors to present their final project. I got an email and M-Prof emailed me and told me that I was officially the designer. With all the stress and destruction of this semester I still don’t feel ecstatic. I got a lot of comments that were constructive but I felt attacked. I know that it is the normal way a person feels, but still… I just email him back and thank him for letting me know and that I would see him soon. I walk to the location of the senior final project only realize that he had sent that email and then come to the location for the project.

Okay, so I sit down, sliding by him because he wasΒ literally at the entrance, what was I supposed to do? I just walked by and sat down. I wondered if he would sit beside me and so I took a seat next to another girl who I have known since I came to my college. The seat to my right was empty and I was talking to the girl I have known. I see in my peripheral that M-Prof sees me and comes to sit down right next to me. I tell him that I was honestly so scared and nervous and the way he calmed me down was very good and I could really tell he has a lot of faith in me and that even with my faults believes in me when I don’t. I have a quick heart-to-heart and we even talk about other things that aren’t even involved with school which is so nice and it is great.

As I am writing this I am tearing up because I really don’t believe myself and I really should more because I know I can do this and even if I don’t have the standard of being able to present well, I work really hard and I try my best all the time.

After the senior project I got to go to a dinner that had a lot of people from my department and it was really nice.

Alas, the end of the inner turmoil for a little bit.

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