Warning: This is a deeply rooted post and I want to share this because I have shared so much with you all already that I think that we can talk about this without judgment? (maybe?)
There have been really dark times in my life where I had thought about not eating and, in reality, I didn’t eat much for about three months when I was younger. Suicidal thoughts have also occured but it hasn’t really crossed my mind until recently. I think that this because things are changing all around me and I feel that I am just not good enough. All the work, for the most part, gets praise and constructive criticism but I am still scrutinizing it.
I am lost without control and since my brother is graduating and “leaving” me, I am having a hard time functioning. For the past couple of days I haven’t eaten much, only dinner. I don’t normally eat breakfast and when I stopped eating lunch, I knew something was wrong. I always eat food no matter what it is and I am never one to not finish food. However, I have noticed that I don’t finish food anymore or eat lunch at all. I am not functioning well enough and it is breaking me down. I love what I do in life but it is getting harder because decisions are to be made like possibly transferring to another school when I am a junior (for good reason). I am also having immense anxiety because I don’t want to fail my professors and I don’t want to present my portfolio in the next couple of days.
I don’t know what is wrong with me but it has really reminded me of being in a bad place. I was thirteen when I felt like this and wanted to know from others what they would want for me. I have told three of my closest friends who are concerned and it makes me happy that they care but at the same time they know that they cannot help me until I help myself. I am struggling to make sure I eat. Sometimes I have to force myself now…thankfully, this is a couple-day-occurence so it is fresh and new and I am hoping to end it sooner rather than later.
Maybe things will look up…maybe things will get worse. I won’t know until it happens.
I hope that this doesn’t make you think less of me. I appreciate all of your support and I love that you all are with me, my Fleeters. I want to say thank you to all 60 of you who make my life brighter every day when you like a post or comment down below, it makes a difference. Thank you.